Instant Karma!
by Akiko Keeper of Sheep
Summary: A series of funny little scenes. One word: Toastinator. ::New Chapter Up! Happy St. Patrick's Day!::
1. These Days

Instant Karma!

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Tale One - These Days

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by: Akiko, Keeper of Sheep

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Donnie glared down at the offending appliance.

It wasn't it's fault, really. It couldn't help being the one thing in the whole lair that none of his family members or friends knew how to operate properly. In fact, the poor thing did its level best to be a simple, nearly foolproof appliance that a toddler could operate.

So why, WHY, in the name of Stephen Hawking and all that was right in the universe, did no one know how to operate a toaster!?

Pushing the poor, blackened kitchen aide to one side, Donnie pulled out a piece of blank graph paper. He would show them. Oh, yes. He would make very, VERY certain that none of them would ever break his toaster again.

:::

Mikey eyed the shiny black...THING with some trepidation.

Innocent-looking lights blinked back.

"I call it the Toastinator 2.0," Donnie said cheerfully, buffing out a smudge with fatherly pride.

"Ah, quick question, Don," Leo began, standing in a recognizably defensive position.

Donnie looked up, all guileless eyes and twinkling grin. "Yes, my dear older brother who apparently can't manage to brown bread without causing an international incident?"

There was a pause during which Mikey turned a snicker into an unconvincing cough, Splinter's whiskers twitched suspiciously, and Raph didn't bother to hide his smug grin. Leo winced.

"Ah, yeah. Is the toaster supposed to have an automated laser attached?"

"Why, yes, my culinarily-inept sibling," Donnie answered, still affecting a bland manner that made his family distinctly nervous. The purple-clad turtle gestured to the toaster. "It is, in fact, one of my favorite features."

Raph gazed at the toaster, feeling much more uneasy than was normal for him.

The gleaming appliance was constructed of black metal, and was about twice the size of a normal toaster. There were four slots on the side, with big red arrows that pointed to them, and LED-lit words stating that 'Bread Goes Here'. On one side was a little lever that helped insert the toast, like on a normal toaster. On the other was a small laser gun mounted on a swivelling arm. A surveillance camera peered over the back of the toaster, and beside it was a sign printed on a steel plate with the following missive:

'Toastinator 2.0 Instructions:

-Toast is to be inserted in designated slots.

-Lever is pulled once, firmly.

-Lever is never pulled backwards.

-Weapons are never inserted into any part of the Toastinator 2.0

-The Toastinator 2.0 is never inserted into water, the oven, the freezer, or any part of the walls or ceiling, intentionally or otherwise.

-Items that may be placed in the Toastinator 2.0 INCLUDE:

*Bread

*Bagels

*Eggos

*Pop-Tarts

*English Muffins

*Those food items whose names include the word 'Toaster'

-Failure to follow these rules will result in activating the Toaster Defense System.

-Any and all injuries that are incurred as a result of Toastinator 2.0 misuse are the responsibility of the transgressor; the Toastinator 2.0 and its inventor are in no way liable.

-Further questions and comments should be forwarded to the inventor of the Toastinator 2.0, and may or may not be answered.

Have A Nice Day :)'

Raising his hand tentatively, Mikey gulped. "Hey, Don? Why are the little slot thingies on the side?"

"Ah, I'm glad you asked." Don's smile involved far more teeth than seemed necessary. He pointed at the slots triumphantly. "You see, in addition to the laser and an electrical shock courtesy of a few hidden nodes, should anyone misuse the Toastinator 2.0 in a way that causes smoke, combustion, or any damage to said appliance, hidden springs in the slots will eject the flaming remains of the foodstuffs into your face."

There was a moment of silence before Mikey giggled nervously. "You're kidding, right?"

More silence.

"Right?"

Don's grin grew by a few dozen gleaming teeth. "Have fun with lunch, guys."

As his lab door shut behind him, three turtles and an elderly rat eyed the newest addition to the kitchen with no small amount of fear.

The camera light winked back.

"So," Mikey said in a chipper voice, "Who's up for corn flakes?"

:::

In the depths of his lab, Donnie held up the devestated corpse of the tv remote and grinned.

:::

End

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A/N - This is the first in a series of one-shots depicting scenes from everyday life. There will be at least one dedicated to each turtle, plus Splinter, April, and Casey. I may even throw in one from Shredder's perspective. Who knows?

This is a kind of overdone plot, wherein Donnie gets tired of repairing the toaster, because dangit, it's _always the toaster_. Still, I love the idea, and I so have to draw this.

Anyone who can guess what the name Toastinator 2.0 is in honor of gets a Virtual Cookie and a hug.

Anyway, more to come.

Review, review, review! It does a body good!

Peace! (--)


	2. Schadenfreude

Instant Karma!

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Tale Two - Schadenfreude

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by: Akiko, Keeper of Sheep

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Leo stared at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of his brothers sleeping.

This, in and of itself, was not unusual. Quite often, Leo found himself whiling away the few hours before his designated wake-up time by focusing on his family. It was a useful meditation exercize that reminded him of why he continued to rise two hours before anyone else to hone his mad ninja skills. Sometimes, it was the only thing that got him up in the morning.

It wasn't working especially well today.

Leo had awoken an hour or so before from a strange dream in which the Shredder, dressed in a fluffy bunny suit, was offering him macaroni and cheese in exchange for a tin cup full of pennies. When Leo refused to hand over the pennies, the Shredder had started crying and accused Leo of stepping on his whoopee cushion. Just the sound of the phrase 'whoopee cushion' being uttered in the Shredder's menacing (if a bit tearful) voice had been enough to jolt Leo from his repose.

So now he was staring at the ceiling, listening to Raph's snoring, Mikey's mumbling, and Donnie's tossing and turning. Leo glanced at the clock.

4:17 am.

Almost every day since he was made leader, Leo had determinedly risen at four in the morning. But when he'd jerked awake and subsequently calmed down and reminded himself that he'd never stepped on anyone's whoopee cushion, his attempts to get up had been thwarted by an uneasy feeling.

He'd lain for an hour, trying to work up the will to roll out of bed and go train. Every time he tried, he was filled with the certainty that nothing, absolutely nothing, was going to go right for him today. He knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that today was going to be a Bad Day.

When he heard Donnie's thrashing subside, he knew he'd have to get up. His genius brother would be waking up soon, and it was absolutely unheard of that his brothers should be up before him. With a resigned sigh, Leo turned and sat up.

And promtly turned right off his bed.

Leo sighed again, sprawled on his belly on the floor with his blanket sagging off the mattress onto his back.

He hated being right all the time.

:::

Splinter smiled to himself at the sounds of an unsuccessful attempt at getting out of bed. He had known when four o' clock had passed and there was no sign of his eldest son in the dojo that today was going to be a rare Bad Day for Leonardo.

That knowledge was confirmed when Leonardo collided with Donatello, who had also awoken, and the eldest turtle nearly tumbled down the stairs. Only his younger brother's reflexes had saved him from a painful faceplant.

"You feeling okay today, Leo?"

Splinter heard his student grunt in an oddly Raphael-esque manner before plodding down the stairs (more carefully than usual).

There were the usual morning sounds of Leonardo starting a pot of tea. There was the not-so-usual sound of Leonardo dropping a full pot of boiling water on his foot.

Splinter frowned. Painful or not, Leonardo knew better than to use those words.

Running feet assured him that not only Donatello, but Michaelangelo and Raphael had responded to the cries.

"Leo, stop jumping around! Mikey, get the first aid kit. Leo, sit!"

There was a creaking sound as Leonardo perched on a rickety chair. Raphael seemed to be snickering.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay, Leo," the purple-banded brother queried, voice filled with concern. "You seem a little off today."

"I'm fine," was the terse reply.

Splinter wondered if he should go easy on Leonardo in practice today.

A deafening crack, followed by a muffled crunch and a grumbled curse told him the poor chair had taken enough and had given way.

Yes, an easy practice was in order.

:::

Raph was torn.

He was concerned, like his other brothers. None of them had seen Leo in such a state in a very, very long time. In fact, Raph couldn't remember ever seeing Leo so, so...downtrodden. It was disconcerting, and disturbing, and unimaginable, and several other long words that meant 'weird'.

On the other hand...

Raph watched from the sidelines as Mikey tried his best to untangle their illustrious leader. Donnie was simultaneously giving Mikey tense orders and examining his oldest brother for injuries. Or rather, further injuries. Most amusingly, Splinter was standing in the doorway, shaking his head and trying to hide the twitching of his whiskers.

And poor Leo was sitting on the floor, staring at nothing with the blank look of one who knows that the day is not about to improve.

Raph couldn't help it. He laughed.

:::

Leo climbed into bed cautiously.

His head was still throbbing where Raph had accidentally whacked him with the bathroom door. His wrist and neck ached from the lengths of the marikigusari chain that Mikey had unwittingly ensnared him in during practice. His elbow still smarted where he'd banged it against the wall when he'd tripped over Donnie's laptop bag. His tail was in pain after the chair collapsed under him. His foot twinged with every step after he'd dropped the teapot on it. His plastron was sore from when he'd run into Donnie. And his face hurt where it had met the floor after his inglorious tumble from bed.

Not to mention, every cup of tea he'd had was mysteriously cold as soon as he sipped it, he had mixed up the kata they'd been practicing twice, he'd failed to win a single sparring match, he'd knocked over a rack of bo staffs, he'd sat on and broken the tv remote, and, to his great shame, been laughed out of the room when he'd stepped on Mikey's whoopee cushion.

He should have just given the Shredder those stupid pennies.

Curling up under the blankets, Leo blinked blearily at the clock and sighed.

8:49 am.

Rolling over, Leo closed his eyes.

Maybe tomorrow would be better.

:::

End

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A/N - Installment two! Poor Leo...I'm so cruel to him. *cuddles Leo plushie* Anyway, I have several plans for more installments, but I'd love to hear some ideas! Let me know what you think about Mikey baking a Super-Special-Awesome Birthday Cake for Splinter...cuz that should be fun!

The title 'Schadenfreude' is a German word that refers to that positive feeling you get when something bad happens to someone else, and you're just laughing your ass off because at least it's not happening to you. Or something like that. The song 'Schadenfreude' is from Avenue Q, a musical spoof of Sesame Street that's just hilarious. It's a good song, and illustrates my feelings about this one-shot perfectly.

As always, review, review, review!

Peace! (--)


	3. Birthday

Instant Karma!

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Tale Three - Birthday

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by: Akiko, Keeper of Sheep

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"Okay, let's get started!"

The three older Hamato boys blinked at their younger brother in bewilderment.

Mikey was standing in the middle of the kitchen, feet planted firmly and arms akimbo as he surveyed his allies with a critical gaze. About him were bowls, measuring cups, spoons, whisks, boxes, cans, bags, and a healthy supply of paper towels.

There was also, looming ominously against one wall, a large whiteboard with a surprisingly precise floorplan of the kitchen drawn in black. Little dots in blue, red, and purple were positioned here and there with little arrows showing their movements. Lists were scrawled up and down the sides in the same colors, with the times jotted down military-style. At the top were large black letters reading 'Operation Birthday Surprise'. In one corner, a small orange stick figure was holding up a banner reading 'We Can Do It!'

How creepy was that?

"Um, why are we here?"

Rolling his eyes, Mikey rested his fists against his hips in the classic 'Exaspirated Mother' pose. "It's Splinter's birthday today, Don. We gotta make a cake." To emphasize his point, Mikey waved his hands about wildly.

"Yeah," Raph cut in, dark eyes narrowed at the bag of flour as though it were a dangerous criminal, "but that still don't explain why WE'RE here. We don't bake." This was said with the blunt conviction of one who knows that no one in their right mind would suggest that he, Tough-Guy Extraordinaire, would be caught dead in an apron.

Mikey grinned as he held out a spare apron to his red-clad brother. "You do now, dude."

:::

Leo looked at the bowl in front of him. He was supposed to be mixing icing. He had no earthly clue how to make icing. Wasn't that what Pillsbury was for?

His youngest brother peered over his shoulder. "Ah, you're not mixing, Leo."

Setting the whisk down, Leo leveled a no-nonsense look at Mikey. "I have no idea how to make icing, Mikey. You know I don't know how to make icing. So why, in the name of all that is lucid, would you assign me icing?"

"Gotta be a first time for everything, bro," Mikey answered pragmatically.

Which was true, but that didn't mean it had to be Leo who did it. It just meant that Mikey needed a good excuse for putting his oldest brother through this ordeal, and that was the most sensible thing he could think of.

Whisking the mixture with no little amount of vindictiveness, Leo contemplated dumping the whole lot on Mikey's head.

"Now remember, guys, this is for Splinter."

Leo groaned mentally. Mikey had been saying that every fifteen minutes or so, and Leo knew it was because that was the one thing that would keep them from staging a coup and stuffing Mikey in the oven. Crafty little-

"A little more wrist action, Raph, or it'll get lumpy."

Glancing at Raph out of the corner of his eye, Leo couldn't help but smirk to himself.

Raphael had forgone the apron, and was now covered head to toe in flour and egg. He was glaring at anyone who dared to even look at him funny, and was studiously ignoring everything Mikey said. Leo noticed, however, that once Mikey turned away, Raph would obey whatever commands Mikey gave. He, like Leo, knew that whatever faults Mikey might have, the kid knew cake.

"Hey, Mikey, am I doing this right?"

Donnie was on the other side of the kitchen, having taken care of the technical issues of preheating the oven, greasing the pans, and prepping the cooling racks and cake plate for transfer - whatever the hell that meant. The genius turtle was now using a blender on some kind of whipped cream mixture that Mikey said would be used for writing on the cake. There seemed to be more whipping cream on Don than in the bowl.

"Keep the blender away from the surface, Don. Come on, I thought you were good at physics," Mikey jibed. He pretended not to notice the glare Don was giving him in favor of bouncing back over to Leo. "How are we doin', Fearless Leader?"

With an almighty clunk, Leo set his bowl down and waved the whisk in Mikey's face. "WE are not doing anything, Mikey. I am making icing. YOU are behaving like a royal pain in the ass. There is no WE here."

"Aw, come on, bro! It's a group effort."

"The shell it is," Raph grumbled, jabbing his own whisk viciously at a persistant lump of flour. "You haven't done one thing since we started aside from giving orders like you're...like you're LEO."

Ouch.

"I have never just stood around giving orders, Raphael, and you know it," Leo snarled, turning to thrust his whisk at Raph. Unfortunately, this sent a glob of icing flying through the air to land, with Hollywood predictability, smack in Raph's face.

Donnie burst into giggles as Raph flailed his arms wildly and squawked. Leo bit his lip to keep from joining him, but it was a close thing.

With a growl, Raph scooped up a helping of clumpy chocolate batter and flung it overhand at Donnie. The glob of sticky sweetness splattered all over Don's plastron, dripping in thick lumps onto the floor.

Don gaped as Raph let out a triumphant "Ha!" Then, with the practiced aim of one who had (despite Mikey's insinuations) mastered the laws of motion at an early age, he sent his entire bowl of whipping cream and sugar sailing through the air. And if Splinter hadn't chosen that moment to step into the kitchen, it would have hit Raph square in the face.

It did not, in fact, make it as far as Raph's face.

Only the sound of Mikey's palm hitting his face broke the tense silence as bright yellow whipped icing oozed from the upturned bowl down Master Splinter's face. The aged rat blinked at Raph's purple-icing-coated face and floured body, flicked his gaze to take in a whippiing-cream-and-chocolate-batter-spattered form, and moved to regard Leo, miraculously free of any gooey substances but looking torn between being contrite and laughing himself sick. Then, with a sigh, he looked at the last of his sons, who was holding his head in his hands and shaking it slowly in disbelief.

Peeking out between his fingers, Mikey finally let his hands drop and offered his sensei a cheesy grin.

"Happy Birthday, Master Splinter!"

With a gracious nod, Splinter turned and left the room, heading straight for the shower.

It was a shame, really. It had been very good icing.

:::

End

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A/N - Whatcha think? Poor Splinter, he just can't catch a break.

Up next: Raph, Casey, leprechauns, and America's Most Wanted Breakfast Food.

What's in those marshmallow puffs, anyway?

It would behoove you to review, review, review!

Peace! (--)


	4. Charm

Instant Karma!

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Tale Four - Charm

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by: Akiko, Keeper of Sheep

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Casey looked up at his best friend from his position behind the dumpster. "Why," he hissed in a slightly-hysterical (but still manly) voice, "is it always _us_?"

Rolling his eyes, Raph pressed one hand tighter against the shallow cut on his shoulder. It wasn't bleeding as freely as it had been minutes ago, and there hadn't seemed to be any poison in the blade, so Raph counted himself pretty lucky.

No. Not lucky. He'd never use that word again.

"I mean, seriously, man," his human friend continued, "before you came along, it was muggers and gangsters and armed robbers. Now it's freakin' aliens and ninjas and killer robots. Can't you be normal for _once_?"

The red-clad turtle turned his gaze back to Casey incredulously. Dark eyes narrowed behind the hockey mask. "What?"

"You do know you're talking to a five-foot mutant ninja turtle, right?"

"Oh, shut up, you know what I mean."

"Yeah, well-" Raph's intense glare snapped back towards the alley. Faint footsteps were moving towards them, and they tensed, bracing themselves for a fight.

A small face, wreathed in coppery curls, peered at them around the corner of the dumpster. A wicked grin stretched across said face, and the figure pulled out another shuriken.

"Hello, boyo."

:::

Mikey looked up from his cartoons as Raph stormed into the lair. His eyes widened when he took in the road map of cuts and scrapes that crisscrossed his older brother's arms and legs. He was limping slightly, and favored his right wrist in a way that told Mikey it was probably broken.

"Don!"

As Mikey vaulted over the back of the couch and the remaining members of the Hamato family rushed in, Casey entered looking like he'd insulted the lineage of an industrial wood chipper.

"Geez, what happened to you guys?"

Raph growled, waving Donnie towards Casey and stalking towards the kitchen. He returned with a bright red cereal box bearing a picture of a cheery little man with a green bowler hat. He marched up to Mikey and waved it in his face. "This," the injured turtle snarled, jabbing a finger at the picture, "THIS is what happened, Mikey!"

Mikey blinked and took a few steps back. "Um...you ran into a cereal killer?"

Emitting a strangled scream that no one in the lair had ever heard from him before, Raph hurled the box across the room.

"LEPRECHAUNS, Mikey! Freakin' LEPRECHAUNS!"

Casey giggled in a noticeably punch-drunk manner.

Everyone's eyes swiveled between the battered box of breakfast food and the quivering mass of infuriated turtle. Everyone's feet wisely took them a few extra feet backwards. No one spoke for a moment as the Looney Tunes blared in the background.

"Um, Raph?" Donnie flinched when his older brother's enraged gaze jerked towards him. "You do know there's no such thing as leprechauns...right?"

"Oh, really, Einstein?" Reaching for a pouch tied to his belt, Raph carefully extracted three very sharp, very green objects. "Then explain why an Irish midget was throwin' these at us!"

Leo blinked at the rounded edges of what were, undeniably, three clover-shaped shuriken.

"Rainbows," Casey added, sounding desperate. "There were rainbows everywhere! Rainbows!"

Don eased Casey onto a chair and checked his pupils. "What happened to Casey?"

"I dunno, it coulda been the pot o' gold to the face or the purple horseshoe to the temple."

Mikey snickered, then caught the look on Raph's face and stopped. "Dude, seriously?"

Raph turned around and jerked his thumb at his shell. "Does this look like I'm kiddin', knucklehead?"

Two more shamrock shuriken were embedded into Raph's shell, along with a few stars. They were not, however, traditional throwing stars. They were bright yellow and twinkled ominously. Mikey choked on a giggle and sat down hard on the couch.

Leo, choosing to focus on the immediate problem, shoved his own hysteria aside. "What happened to the...the enemy?"

Because there was really no way to say "did you kill the leprechaun" with a straight face.

"We scrapped for a while before he pulled out a big red balloon and floated away muttering something about 'constantly in pursuit of me sacred talismans'. I was about to pop the thing with a kunai, but the little bastard caught Casey in the stomach with a ra...a ray gun," Raph finished, looking loathe to elaborate.

Donnie frowned. "Do you know what kind of ray it was," he asked anxiously, tugging at Casey's shirt to get a better look at the injury.

Raph grunted.

"Raph," Donnie pressed, not seeing any signs of burns or other tissue damage.

"It was...it was a rainbow ray gun."

There was utter silence. Only the sound of a KIA commercial dared slice through the void. There was a beat, then another, before Mikey snorted. The dam broke, and Raph watched with mounting fury as everyone in the room collapsed into laughter.

Had anyone been paying attention, they would have noted that the precise moment Splinter let out a chuckle was the same moment that Raphael snapped.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY," he thundered, flinging his arms out, momentarily forgetting the shuriken in his hand. Leo dove for cover as the weapons whizzed overhead and stuck halfway in the wall behind him. Oblivious, Raph continued. "Casey was right! It's always us! Why, WHY do we always get the weird shit?! Just one week, I'd like to go about my business without freakin' brain-things and time-travellers and...and bugs!"

He pulled out several more shuriken, and there was the inevitable shuffle as everyone moved towards cover. Raph, however, focused his attention on the deceptively innocent cardboard box, and the little man on the front that grinned at him. With a wail, Raph unleashed a whirlwind attack on the cereal box.

"Take that, you Irish bastard! And that! And that!"

In seconds, the box was destroyed, leaving a devastated corpse behind, bleeding its marshmallow-strewn lifeblood onto the floor.

Keeping one hand on the hilt of his katana, Leo edged out from behind the dining room table. "Okay, Raph, the evil part of this balanced breakfast is dead. You can calm-"

"No, Leo! No!" Raph whirled around and pointed a quivering finger at his leader, who was not ashamed to duck back behind the table. "I'm sick of always getting stuck with saving the world from the weird shit! I'm done! It's over! I'm not gonna do it anymore! No more aliens! No more dinosaurs! No more doomsday ray guns! No more nanobots, or androids, or ancient statues, or, or...or OOZE! Nothing that oozes! This lair is now officially a weirdness-free zone! No! More! Leprechauns!"

And, naturally, that was exactly the moment when Lucky the Leprechaun stated loudly and proudly: "They're always after me Lucky Charms!"

Raph blinked at the television. So did everyone else, from a much safer distance. Lucky grinned back.

A huge sigh escaped Raph, and he turned to Donnie. "I'm goin' to bed. Wake me up when you're ready to take the shuriken outta my shell."

Trudging up the stairs, Raph closed his door quietly. Down in the living room, everyone stared at the remains of the Lucky Charms box.

Mikey nudged at the demolished box with his foot and sighed sadly. "I guess this means we're out of cereal again."

"I'll get some more when I'm done with Casey and Raph," Donnie reassured him.

Leo nodded, pulling a dustpan and broom from the closet to clean up the gruesome scene. As he brushed the cereal up, he spied a little red balloon and picked it up, examining it contemplatively.

"Don?"

"Yeah?"

Leo tossed the little charm into the dustpan and grinned ruefully. "Get Frosted Flakes."

:::

END

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A/N - W00T! A new chapter done! And just in time for the holiday!

This didn't turn out like I thought it would. About halfway through my original draft, Raph just lost his mind. Sorry to all those out there who feel like I violated Raph in some way, but...everyone has their breaking point, and Raph's is apparently leprechauns.

I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed so far! I wasn't expecting this to be very popular, but it's nice to know that I put smiles on some people's faces.

To WebMistressGina, thank-you for your review. I relieved to hear that it was better than you expected...er...what were you expecting? What really happened after Splinter left was Mikey initiating a food fight and regretting it, Leo getting an egg in the face, and Donnie constructing a makeshift food catapult. Raph was satisfied to upend his bowl of batter on Mikey's head and leave it at that. :)

To Pinguin1993, thank-you for reviewing all three chapters! I'm not German, but I know a little. Very little. I can say enough to get me into trouble with actual German-speakers. Leo's my favorite, too! Can you tell? And there's no need to hyperventilate, there's more coming.

To Haluwasa2, I'm glad you liked it! I hope you like the rest, as well.

To LadyBlue001, thanks for the kind words. I plan to continue until my broken little brain stops giving me ideas, and I hope you stick around for the ride.

To Angel362, thank-you very much - you give the story more credit than it's due, I'm sure!

To Dana, I'm glad you enjoyed it. More to come!

To Melody Winters, thanks for the applause. *bows* I do my best.

Next installment, I'm thinking soap operas. Cookies go to the one who can guess who it's about...*hinthint* It's not who you think...

As always, review, review, review! Because you're worth it!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! (--)


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